March 21 – April 20: Welcome to our free health and fitness recommendations for the month. A Ram, are you? You shove your way into subway cars and we’ve seen you with a grocery cart, too – so don’t try to lie. You are pushy. This is not a recognized way to stay fit. We’ve said the same thing to Capricorn the Goat. We suggest you both try some yoga. Namaste.


April 21 – May 20: Strong like The Bull, are you? How nice. This month’s special assessment of your fitness program suggests that you’re a gym rat, already. Maybe you should back off. You might scare Virgo, and we are encouraging her to be more active. You may have a chance there.


May 21 – June 20: You Twins look as healthy as all-get-out. We are focusing on fitness this month and we want to know what do you two do. Take turns eating? It’s just not fair.


June 21 – July 20: Crabs are meant for walking, according to T.S. Eliot. Left sideways. Right sideways. Repeat. You have a natural affinity for low-impact cardio. This month’s special health tip is that you go with what you’ve got. You don’t even need to leave the room.


July 21 – August 20: We are doing an across-the-board fitness assessment of the entire Zodiac this month. We’ve seen the nature shows where all the lionesses do the killing while you, The Lion, sit and watch. You lazy thing. Our exercise suggestion is that you feed yourself.


August 21 – September 20: What should we say to help you to gain strength and fitness? We are picking on everyone this month. You claim to be The Virgin, so our suggestion for exercise is obvious. We will say it anyway. Try the horizontal Samba. Taurus, the Bull, is exceptionally built and quite virile (but also gentle).


September 21 – October 20: The Scales, always even-Steven. You are already fit with your tiresome proper nutrition and appropriate activity. Don’t diet, just eat less and move more, you say. Since we have no suggestions for you, we will just say, Shut up. We are only here to help everyone stay fit and the rest of the Zodiac needs us.


October 21 – November 20: We were going to suggest an exercise plan for you like we have done for everyone else, but what can we say to a toxic-tailed individual about exercise? Nothing. Scorpions are dangerously poisonous! We have an idea that does not include exercise. Detox. Ayurvedic, Reiki, high colonic, acupuncture, juice fast, chakra alignment, all that. Whatevs.


November 21 – December 20: Our dear Archer! We have decided to focus on improving everyone’s health this month. First of all, archery is not a sport unless you are an Olympian (which you are definitely not). Running after shot arrows and picking them up is exercise, however. We cannot stop ourselves from corniness. We must say, Watch your back.


December 21 – January 20: We are working on the well-being of each of you this month, but we are busy, busy astrologers. Your Goatiness is physiologically different from Aries the Ram, but you both shove stuff. Just read what we said to him. You are not as bad, but we know the same program will work. Maybe you two can go to class together. Don’t be stubborn. We are the experts.


January 21 – February 20: The Water Bearer, lugging a big insulated gallon of water everywhere you go, just like a person with a fitness plan. It’s easy to tell you what to do during this month of celebrating wellness. Put the bottle down and pick up some real weights, poser. And you gals with the leggings need to check the trunk and/or buy a tunic until this plan of ours starts working.


February 21 – March 20: The Fish. Really? Swim. Jeeze, you do it all day. We have no advice for you this month, as our focus is physical well-being and you got it, babe. No worries and carry on. Oh! Stay away from Asian Carp! How’s that? Just so you don’t feel left out.