March 21 – April 20: Today may not be your day, but April is your month. Now’s the time to finish old projects, start new ones, and go on adventures. Get lost, get found, get nonfiction book offers about your ordeal. Too bad you can’t type anymore with those frostbitten fingers!
April 21 – May 20: You’re all about being grounded, Taurus, and this will be a great month for writing dirty. No, get your mind out of the gutter. We mean you should plant some radishes, go rock climbing, do finger painting, then get some ink under your nails. A little sun won’t kill you. We promise (mostly).
May 21 – June 20: You’re of two minds, as always, Gemini. Here’s a tip: you don’t have to decide. Do both things, go both places, work on both projects. This way, there’s always something else to blame when someone calls you on your half-assed toast when your nemesis wins the Pulitzer.
June 21 – July 20: Create a safe and protected space for your writing this month, Cancer. If you don’t have your own office, that’s fine. Just find some little corner of your abode and claim it as yours. If challenged/interrupted, layer holey sweaters until you are big enough to scare/deter the cat/dog/child/spouse.
July 21 – August 20: Though your stomach has recovered from last month’s Twinkie-gate, your reputation hasn’t. Hey, at least selling apocalyptic food to other writers nets you more than your royalties!
August 21 – September 20: This is a month of firsts for you, Virgo. Try a new form, perhaps. Do you normally write fiction? Work on a poem. Never tried a sonnet? Now’s the time. Definitely don’t let your writing group have a look and immediately send it to The Paris Review.
September 21 – October 20: Find balance in all things, Libra. The world can so easily throw you off, but use your skills to bring harmony. Got a rejection email? Take it in stride, knowing that an acceptance will always arrive eventually to balance things out. As soon as fire is introduced to the equation.
October 21 – November 20: Find your sting this month, Scorpio. Add a plot twist, a startling image, a surprise ending, or maybe just a tumbler of gin to your writing. Mmm, pine cones, pointy, pointy pine cones…
November 21 – December 20: You’ve been in a writing slump lately, Sagittarius, but this is the month to look on the bright side. Manuscripts are like spring flowers: beautiful until something bites their heads off. Wait, where are you going?
December 21 – January 20: Goats are practical and cautious creatures, Capricorn. Unfortunately, that means you might get stuck munching on someone’s lawn (Editor’s note: that is not a euphemism). (Editor, again. Once, I had a goat and his name was Billy and he was awful and he attacked me in cahoots with this rooster. It was seriously traumatic.) (Editor’s note: Seriously, no more effing goats.)
January 21 – February 20: Your book party hairdo will be ruined by April showers, but take heart in knowing that everyone else smells like a goat. (Editor: Enough with the goats. Last warning.)
February 21 – March 20: April may be the cruellest month, at least according to Mr. Eliot, but we wish you all the very best of luck that your new assignment gets your editor’s goat. (Editor’s note: You’re all fired.)