March 21 – April 20: We’re guessing no one ever sat you down to have a nice, honest talk about those pants, at least judging by the fact that you’re still wearing them. How about investing in a personal stylist? And on May 14th—National Dance Like a Chicken Day?—don’t. Just, don’t.
April 21 – May 20: As Glinda the Good Witch says to Dorothy, you are our favorite sign. If we could hold you tight throughout this entire month, we would. Sweet, sweet Taurus, we’d like to sing you a little song: You are our sunshine, our only sunshine. You make us happy, when skies are gray… maybe we’re silly and sentimental, but we just love you so much! Happy 40th! And, by the way, you don’t look a day over 39 and a half. (Editor’s note: Who gave the horoscope writers all this Valium?)
May 21 – June 20: Be careful in your relationships this month. Try not being so “emotionally unavailable.” Also, if you don’t stop talking and actually listen for a change, your worst fear will come: you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself. Speaking of being alone and unappreciated, Happy (Circle one: Dog/Cat/Reptile/Bi-pedal Human) Mother’s Day!
June 21 – July 20: This might be a good time for you to go back to college. Being that it’s the end of the school year, you won’t have much to do. Sound good, you lazy ass?
July 21 – August 20: Mercury is retrograde, so don’t try “patching things up” with the ex. We know they might have the perfect ass and/or stock portfolio, but you put too much emphasis on people’s body and/or 10-year plan. No one can meet your impossible standards, so how about lowering them? If you need additional reminders as to why you shouldn’t re-ring that bell, try visiting your poetry journal circa Valentine’s Day 2004.
August 21 – September 20: As you enjoy novelty—and finding excuses to not focus on your work—May 3rd is the day to celebrate Lumpy Rug Day and National Two Different Colored Shoes Day share this spot on the calendar with National Specially-Abled Pets Day. Packed into this already full 24-hours is National Chocolate Custard Day and National Raspberry Popover Day. Oh, and don’t forget National Teacher Appreciation Day. (Yup, still the same day.) Bonus points to you Virgos who can manage to jam all of these into one Fat Tuesday-like festival!
September 21 – October 20: This month, we’re going to have to ask you to stop trying to make everyone else feel special. It’s great that you care so much, and we know you’re just trying to be nice, but we no longer believe anything you say. You know when you said you would literally die if we didn’t answer your texts? We thought about testing it out. Like, for real. So, just … go over there for a while until we can talk ourselves of the ledge of your hyperbole.
October 21 – November 20: Not everything has to be that big of a deal. May 8th is Have a Coke Day. Take time to just enjoy a nice cold glass of high-sugar, carbonated water with artificial coloring, and—you know what, never mind. Can someone explain what this crap is even supposed to taste like? Did you see that video where the guy used a 20 oz. bottle of Coke and a sponge to scrub the rust off his bumper? (Editor’s note: Horoscope writer clearly does not have a hangover.)
November 21 – December 20: May 1st is National Loyalty Day. Renew your commitments to your agent, your editor, your lawyer, your spouse. Not your latest fling. Whatever the fling has isn’t any better than what you have at home. In fact, you’re going to find out just how clingy a flingy can be … Well, never mind. We’ve said too much already. Good luck!
December 21 – January 20:Being especially impatient and sloppy this month, you’re bound to mess up anything important you try to accomplish. As such, perhaps try laying off the social media for a few weeks – or at least don’t claim we didn’t warn you. Maybe go back and reread something (anything) by John Gardner to hit the ol’ reset button.
January 21 – February 20: “No. I will not keep your six cats at my 400 sq. ft. apartment while you backpack through the Himalayas for the entire summer.” Learn to establish your boundaries. Even if you’re being asked this favor because you’re the one who suggested cats would be good practice for a baby.
February 21 – March 20: As vulnerable as you pretend to be, the stars can see right through you. So, this month, try being authentic for a change. Also, it’s time to take a look at your driver’s license. It’s been a few months, and you still haven’t renewed. Your roots will never be any less grey than they are now. Trust us, we’re speaking from experience.