March 21 – April 20: Half the year is over. Are half of your writing goals accomplished? Didn’t think so. The good news is, you don’t have to feel like the year’s a total loss until six months from now, so go back to watching TV.


April 21 – May 20: You’ll meet a new flame this month, Taurus. A writer, no less. Well, an obituary writer. But hey, that’ll come in handy someday, and with your luck, someday soon!


May 21 – June 20: Remember that one-night stand with the bartender nine months ago? Whatever you do today, don’t answer the doorbell.


June 21 – July 20: Cancer, your book will climb to the top of the New York Times bestseller list before the end of the month. You’ll be mobbed by adoring fans. They’ll rename Main Street in your hometown after you. Then you’ll wake up, look around in disgust, and vow never to smoke that shit again.


July 21 – August 20: Your third grade teacher will call and tell you how much she loves your book. When she’s done fawning over it she’ll say, “I always knew you’d amount to something, Deborah.” Which would make you squirm with pleasure if only that were your name.


August 21 – September 20: The planets are aligned for you this month, Virgo. Well, not really. But would you even notice if they were? Hack away at that manuscript anyway, and assume nature is on your side. God knows you need something to believe in.


September 21 – October 20: Go ahead, keep procrastinating on the Great American Novel. The world can always use another fast food worker or swimming pool cleaner.


October 21 – November 20: Here’s a tip for you, Scorpio: we are in a position to confidently predict that if you submit something to We Take Anything From Anybody Literary Journal, you’ll finally get published.


November 21 – December 20: The Pulitzer committee called looking for you! They need waiters for their annual banquet.


December 21 – January 20: Don’t feel so bad, Capricorn. Keep in mind that total rejection of your work means you retain creative control over everything you’ve ever written. So you have that going for you.


January 21 – February 20: Remember when your mother advised you to just follow your dream? Maybe she wasn’t referring to your writing dream. Maybe your wet dream, hell, we don’t know.


February 21 – March 20: You know the old saying: there are two kinds of people, the shitters and the shittees. Guess which kind Pisces are? We wish you better luck in your next life. You’ll sure as fuck need it.