March 21 – April 20: You’ll plan to spend the U.S.A.’s 4th of July holiday ruminating on the relationship between fireworks and war, hoping to weave it into your historical fantasy paranormal zombie romance. We know you want your neighbors to take you seriously, but beware surprise wind gusts that may take the dead tree manuscript you’re so artfully editing in the backyard and deposit it amid the charred burgers in your Weber kettle grill.
April 21 – May 20: Summer critique season may have you discouraged. Your mom might’ve said, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But that’s not an option for you here, darling Taurus. Remember to compliment your peers on their shapely commas, quirky adverbs, and unconventional dialogue. This writing gig is half politics; deal us in.
May 21 – June 20: Ignoring our warning, you answered the door last month, didn’t you? For the record, Publishers Clearinghouse is in no way an *in* to publishers. It’s a way to get magazines. Lots and lots of magazines. None of which will publish your articles.
June 21 – July 20: Don’t be offended when after your reading someone comes up and says, “Wow, I had no idea you could write!” Count your blessings: at least a few people showed up for your reading. Hey, bookstore baristas are people too, you know.
July 21 – August 20: There is joy and art to be found outside of your writing nook, Leo. See a movie, take in a musical, view a a play. Someone wrote all those too. At least you can use your $16 monthly royalties to support another artist.
August 21 – September 20: Has your writing group turned into cheese and w(h)ine night? Here are some things to avoid when finding your next group: 1) If they’re creepy on the internet, probably also in person, 2) “My 300,000-word manuscript,” 3) people who know everything, 4) people who don’t know anything, 5) zombies.
September 21 – October 20: Your dog has completed more words than you this month. You should buy him something nice and meaty to celebrate. Perhaps he’ll share if you sit nicely.
October 21 – November 20: Rejections, again? Aren’t these college lit mags supposed to be on break or something? Don’t worry, Scorpio. It’s probably run by millennials with man buns. You didn’t want to get published there anyway.
November 21 – December 20: We know how badly you want to win a book award, Saggy. But the problem is: you have to have a book first. Finish, damn it, finish!
December 21 – January 20: At grandma’s birthday, when your niece sits down and tells you being a writer “doesn’t sound that hard,” resist the urge to assign her a 300-page paper on respecting her elders. You don’t want to admit to elderdom, do you? Do you?!
January 21 – February 20: Tired of refreshing your email every two minutes just to receive yet more partial requests from agents who’ll take another month to respond? Eat more chocolate. Our doctors swear it’s good for you.
February 21 – March 20: Pisces, you get to go to a big summer conference where you don’t know anyone. Not a soul. But sitting in the corner mainlining Chardonnay isn’t going to help. Try a silly hat instead.