March 21 – April 20: You’re going to win the Bulitzer Prize this month! No, that’s not a typo. Don’t be an ignoramus.
April 21 – May 20: When your writing group applauds at the end of your reading, it’s because they’re glad you’re finally going to shut your Dorito hole and sit down.
May 21 – June 20: Mercury is about to go into retrograde. We don’t even know what that means, it just sounds good. Go write your book. And stop blaming your third grade English teacher for damaging your self-esteem. The story about a rabbit who wanted to be a telephone lineman wasn’t all that good.
June 21 – July 20: The mere fact you’re reading a horoscope means you don’t know what you’re doing. Pretend anyway, for the sake of your cringing publisher.
July 21 – August 20: Reading slush will be harder than usual this month, Leo. Resist creating a parody editor account on Twitter. Submitters are the best researchers in the world. They will find you. And when they find you, well, you’re the one who doesn’t take clichés, right, so you figure it out.
August 21 – September 20: Hooray, the kids are back in school! Careful, though, Virgo. Chances are you’ll miss your first fully scheduled writing day nursing that nasty hangover. (We could have told you red wine and tequila don’t mix.)
September 21 – October 20: Your niece insists you take her to the 21st and final (?) Hunger Games movie. Accordingly, you plan an elaborate disguise to maintain your high literary disdain of all books commercial. When she asks you about your fake mustache, take the opportunity to teach her about hipsters.
October 21 – November 20: Mercury in retrograde a-fucking-gain. If, despite multiple backups, you still lose a story, don’t tell social media. No one will care that you already had Dropbox and that it wasn’t your fault. You will be forced to un-friend everyone and then who will like your Author Page?
November 21 – December 20: Slow and steady wins the race. Unless you are racing for the last piece of cheesecake.
December 21 – January 20: You might feel a thirst for inspiration this month. Hemingway said “all you have to do is write one true sentence.” Which is great advice if all you want to write is flash fiction.
January 21 – February 20: Aquarius, you have a deep need for some alone time. Take advantage of the changing season to light a fire, crack open a bottle of wine and nurture yourself. And by “nurture yourself” we don’t mean call naughty 900-numbers.
February 21 – March 20: You are a great friend and a relentless “giver.” Balance out the scales by calling your friends and pretending you are sick to see if you can get some free chicken soup delivered to you when you’re on a deadline.