March 21 – April 20: Mars is rising. Or falling—whichever. And with each incremental rotation of the heavens, your manuscript sinks deeper in the agent’s pile. Deeper, deeper . . .
April 21 – May 20: Congratulations, your MFA will finally pay off. You’ll tell a prospective employer the letters stand for Minister of Foreign Affairs.
May 21 – June 20: Halloween month! Dress up like a writer when you go trick-or-treating. Who knows, you may fool the neighbors since you have that little notebook instead of a laptop full of cat videos.
June 21 – July 20: This is the month when you finally get to experience intimacy with your fans. Enjoy. And don’t worry, syphilis is curable.
July 21 – August 20: If your therapist asks if you’ve ever considered writing your feelings down, try to keep the resulting vision of sending her off in a Viking funeral pyre fueled by your trunked manuscripts to yourself.
August 21 – September 20: Happy Halloween! We agree literacy is important, but if you insist on distributing copies of Everyone Poops and Go The Fuck To Sleep instead of candy, you’ll probably get evicted. Again.
September 21 – October 20: The cover art arrives for your book looking like a toddler threw up in Photoshop. Hopefully someone made a mistake and someone else’s book is called the same thing and their name is the same as yours and why is there a purple unicorn is this supposed to be ironic?
October 21 – November 20: If all of your stories revolve around guilt this month, Scorpio, it’s only because the after-leftover-Halloween-candy-eating shame pervades all things. When your neighbor comes by to invite you to Cross-Fit, it’s okay to hurl War and Peace at her just this once.
November 21 – December 20: This is a great time to relax and re-energize. Spend some time doing light edits. Play some solitaire while listening to acoustic classical guitar music. Make a couple of prank phone calls to your agent.
December 21 – January 20: Your goaty stubbornness will get you into real trouble this month when you get into a huge fight with your editor about the Oxford comma. (Hint: when you lose, send flowers.)
January 21 – February 20: Free-spirited is one thing. Wearing muu-muus to book signings is another.
February 21 – March 20: Upsetting news might make you feel like an immediate course correction is in order. Don’t make any rash decisions. Instead, order 4 pizzas and wash them down with 2 pints of Cherry Garcia ice cream.