March 21 – April 20: There is much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving month. Your health. Your family. The unconstitutionality of debtor’s prisons.
April 21 – May 20: Your astrological Life Pursuit is financial security. Ha ha, that’s a good one. You should have taken over your father’s Porta-Potty business instead of becoming a writer, you wretched sot.
May 21 – June 20: Christmas is just around the corner. How are you going to afford presents for your children? By writing another poem? Please don’t make us laugh while we’re eating our turkey.
June 21 – July 20: Uranus will suddenly be important to you. Not the planet, silly, ur anus. Because that’s where your publisher is aiming when it sticks you with your next royalty statement.
July 21 – August 20: With residency and award deadlines galore, remember to keep an eye on that pesky calendar. Also, the US Postal service is well, not what they used to be. Except with regard to their alacrity when delivering rejections from The Sun.
August 21 – September 20: A person close to you will ask for book recommendations. Do not recommend things you actually like. Remember that time you had to disown Aunt Millie because she said (aloud) that she prefers that guy who writes all the formula romances that get made into movies? Ugh.
September 21 – October 20: You’re likely to accidentally attend a Thanksgiving themed pop-up poetry reading on whatever day you aren’t wearing a turtleneck. The poets will shame you for exposing your throat and you will explain their own necks are, like a Butterball turkeys,’ shoved up their collective metaphorical asses.
October 21 – November 20: Thankful for all of your literary blessings, you’ll be tempted to be extra generous with your critique time this month. While most people are writing an entire novel, you’ll be saddled with G.W. Trustfund’s surrealist kink novel. Happy Reading!
November 21 – December 20: Be sure to drink lots of water this month, because it will help eliminate the severe finger-cramping that will put you at risk for missing your 50K word NaNoWriMo goal.
December 21 – January 20: While it’s tempting to give in to temptation when seeking the affection you crave, it’s never okay to lick other members of your book club without their permission.
January 21 – February 20: Intellectual stimulation is your greatest aphrodisiac. Next time you’re feeling amorous, we highly recommend Plato’s Republic or the New York Times crossword.
February 21 – March 20: It’s important that you keep your health strong this month. If you have book signings, be sure to keep plenty of hand sanitizer close by and use it at every opportunity. Because who knows where those freaky fans of yours have been.