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h-aries

March 21 – April 20: Your memoir will sell a million copies! Oops, that was Aquarius. Never mind.

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h-taurus

April 21 – May 20: Your crit partner will leave you, citing differences regarding the Oxford comma. Here’s some tough love from us to you, Taurus: It’s time to start using mouthwash, not commas.

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h-gemini

May 21 – June 20: Your iUniverse contract turned out to be a stupid idea? There’s one consolation: suffering builds character. Sucker.

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h-cancer

June 21 – July 20: Be sure to think of your mother on Mother’s Day. She brought you into the world. She raised and nurtured you. So what if she didn’t bother to read your debut novel. You’ll just have to live with the emotional scar.

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h-leo

July 21 – August 20: The warmer weather is undoubtedly tempting, Leos, but forget opening your windows. Because then it’ll be too cold or too hot or too drafty or too sunny or the birds will be too loud and, for fucks’ sake, how long does it take to mow your postage stamp-sized lawn…come back here and I’ll show you what you can do with that leaf blower, buddy!

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h-virgo

August 21 – September 20: Struck down for two weeks last month with con crud has made you late for all of your deadlines. Hopefully, you remembered to infect all your editors, as well. If not, you can always smoke a couple cigarettes before your deadline call so that you can cough convincingly.

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h-libra

September 21 – October 20: Whole Paycheck stopped selling your favorite chocolate covered graham snacks and you haven’t written a word since. Consider suing or staging a very loud one-person protest in front of the store (using a sustainably-made banner lettered with vegan paint, of course).

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h-scorpio

October 21 – November 20: Your mother tells you she doesn’t understand your story in Velcro Button Snaps: An Anthology and furthermore she doesn’t know if she knows you anymore. Resist the urge to tell her that if she doesn’t know who you are perhaps she’d be better off in The Home.

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h-sagittarius

November 21 – December 20: Being an asshole about Internet technology is only entertaining when you are Jonathan Franzen. You are not Jonathan Franzen.

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h-capricorn

December 21 – January 20: The stars line up this month, revealing you to be a cosmic high roller. Don’t be afraid to ask your agent to shoot for 50% royalty rates on your next contract. What could possibly go wrong?

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h-aquarius

January 21 – February 20: This is a great time to be networking because luck is coming your way in the form of partnerships. Spend as much time as possible this month tweeting and commenting on blogs. Screw those deadlines.

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h-pisces

February 21 – March 20: Time is of the essence this month. This means your legendary communication skills could lead to trouble. For example, it’s really not necessary for you to post every single thing you eat on Facebook along with a picture and a 500-word description.