March 21 – April 20: Ah, National Drinking Day is on the way. Whatever you plan to submit needs to go out quickly. Your head will be hot and heavy the morning after and anything you write beyond the 15th will be spiced with the syrupy sweet tinge of regret.
April 21 – May 20: The green that gets worn on St. Pat’s is not the same green as money. We mention this to help you focus. You cannot afford another spree like last time. You didn’t even get a story out of it, and Ramen is not anyone’s fave. Especially not the dog.
May 21 – June 20: Getting on the bus from whatever-flung-place-you-are-stuck on March 1st will not guarantee you a spot on the sidewalk during Chicago’s St. Patrick’s Parade. Stay home, watch it on television. To celebrate, you can drink beer for breakfast without losing your journal.
June 21 – July 20: That’s it!! You can write limericks. They are funny and you are amusing. The form is more forgiving than haiku, and you can self-publish in bathroom stalls. You can be the small-scale Banksy of the future.
July 21 – August 20: You are an amateur; face it. Green Jell-O shots mixed with “Danny Boy” karaoke will not make you Irish. If you want to write like Joyce, you must be able to hold your Jameson.
August 21 – September 20: The legend is that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Maybe you could write a story about that. It won’t be any less believable than the plot you tried to sell about a lady who turned purple. Didn’t Willy Wonka do that first?
September 21 – October 20: National Drinking Day has expanded to National Drinking Month, at least at the places where you hang out. Ergo, there will be nothing special for you to enjoy on the 15th. Sounds like a good day to stay home. Take your work seriously. Be a force for good.
October 21 – November 20: Yay! “Plothandle’s Semiannual” took your short story on the 14th. Another reason to celebrate. That doesn’t mean to party twice as hard, friend. Not your style.
November 21 – December 20: You can eat Lucky Charms cereal for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, because you are a grown-up. However, the practice will not make publishers take you more seriously, sweetheart. That is not whimsy, it’s irrational.
December 21 – January 20: It is said that one makes one’s own luck. That does not mean you should crawl around on your hands and knees in the park, looking for shamrocks. That’s delusional, at best and dangerous, at worst. (Do you know what people do in PARKS?) Go home, wash off the dirt. Make some luck for yourself.
January 21 – February 20: Braveheart was in Scotland and that is where kilts come from, which make them Scottish. But then the Scotts and the Irish came and culturally blended in the States, forming the Scots-Irish? Do the Irish wear kilts now? These parades confuse us. Pour us another, please, and Go Ask Google.
February 21 – March 20: Your self-discipline and devotion to the word are commendable. The flow is sweeping you along, and you are so close to turning out that last bit that you didn’t even notice bagpipes from down the block. Didn’t see the kid who puked on your car, either. But you will on the 16th. Even trade, huh?