March 21 – April 20: Go ahead and plant seeds in your writing career as well as your garden. Take heart, Aries, at least the garden seeds will sprout visibly.
April 21 – May 20: A Capricorn will hit on you by complimenting a short story you published six years ago at East Bumblefuck Review. Go with it, but make sure he wears protection. You know what they say about Capricorns.
May 21 – June 20: When your crit partner tells you your manuscript is hopeless, well, maybe there’s still hope. When your agent tells you it’s hopeless, well, maybe there’s still hope. When your mother tells you it’s hopeless, all remaining hope will vanish, like chimney smoke in a gust of brutal arctic wind, motherfucker. So don’t call home unless it’s urgent.
June 21 – July 20: You’ll self-publish your novel this month, finally realizing your life-long dream of becoming an author. Next month you must decide how to spend the $37.63 in royalties.
July 21 – August 20: This month, try to avoid getting into a Twitter debate with other writers, even if you know them to be rational in the real world. One man’s context is another man’s eternal damnation. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
August 21 – September 20: That great idea you’ve been saving for the last five years? Just write it already. Un-cellar it like an aged wine. Maybe use both in tandem and come up with another great idea. (Hint: This is How It Usually Works.)
September 21 – October 20: You pick up some freelance work to have a little extra cash for AWP. Unfortunately, writing marketing copy about guinea pig armor is not something you can take seriously. The editor tells you you’ll never work at Rodents Unlimited again. We sincerely hope this is the case.
October 21 – November 20: Success! Velcro Button Snaps: An Anthology has bought your short story! Except they don’t like the title. Or the middle. Or the ending. By the time you are done, it will have taken more time to edit the story than it did to write it. But hey, they paid you $5 and 2 free copies!
November 21 – December 20: Your lack of tact will get you into trouble with your crit partner. Resist saying, “This manuscript sucks donkey balls!” Instead try something more constructive like, “Please don’t forget to run this through the spell checker before sending it to me next time.”
December 21 – January 20: Your powerful, resilient Capricorn energy will be at its peak this month. Take advantage of it by sending out double your usual manuscripts this month. (But skip Stinky Toe Jam Review as it won’t look that good on your list of pub creds.)
January 21 – February 20: Embrace your trailblazing tendencies this month. But to save you some time, we will let you know that dinosaur porn has already been done.
February 21 – March 20: A solar eclipse in Pisces might mean excitement in the romance department for you. Just cross your fingers that “excitement” doesn’t mean that the guy you have a crush on turns out to be a stalker wanted by the police. A $25 background check might be the best money you’ve ever spent.