March 21 – April 20: Time for a checkup. The carpal tunnel syndrome you have developed over the years is not going to go away. No technology exists that understands your speech. Turn down the volume on public radio, and try again, silly.
April 21 – May 20: Time for a checkup. That hump at the base of your neck is only going to worsen. You should have paid attention in grade school keyboarding, Dumb-bunny. Always looking down and pecking
May 21 – June 20: Time for a checkup. Your migraine triggers are red wine, and caffeine. How will you ever write again? We have no idea. Sorry, though.
June 21 – July 20: Time for a checkup. Your “bad” cholesterol is up. Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise Diet and exercise. Why won’t they all shut up? You are a writer, for God’s sake.
July 21 – August 20: Time for a checkup. Gout? Are you kidding? Red wine is a trigger. Maybe you and the other guy who is a (insert horoscope sigh here) and get together over a bottle of scotch. No one said you can’t drink liquor. Bemoaning your writer’s block is even easier when drunk.
August 21 – September 20: Time for a checkup. Hah! Who would have ever guessed? We hear great gains have been made in urinary incontinence products. You mostly stay home anyway. Just don’t sneeze.
September 21 – October 20: Time for a checkup. Everyone has this problem from time to time. Don’t be embarrassed. We think a few brief counselling sessions can put things right. It does not mean you have lost your feelings for your loved one. We are sure. Really.
October 21 – November 20: Time for a checkup. So, your medication causes difficulty with concentration and member, number, clumsy, clergy and… Wait! Wait! Memory, that’s it! We think you should discuss this with your health care provider. Writing is hard enough even when you can remember words.
November 21 – December 20: Time for a checkup. We do not know how to break this to you. Both men and women experience hair loss as they age. Both men and women use hair replacement as an option. Your writing does not pay well enough for cosmetic procedures? Even the President has worn a wig, and he can afford anything.
December 21 – January 20: Time for a checkup. This is not a checkup, idiot. You are in the emergency room. You are about to get three day’s observation wearing a paper nighty and sleeping with no blanket. We never heard of self-harm with a pen. You are indeed sick.
January 21 – February 20: Time for a checkup. Haven’t slept for how long? That is not good. We say try a little diet (you could use it with that soft sitting-all-the-time belly). Oh, and exercise. We reiterate. Diet and Exercise Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise.
February 21 – March 20: Time for a checkup. What do you expect? That we think this is a good idea? Acupuncture is not an exact science. The feeling in your right hand will shortly be restored. We predict a trip to a rheumatologist.