March 21 – April 20: The shocking silence following your last reading at your writers group was not, as you have been told, because Richard farted. Richard always farts during readings. It’s time you faced facts.
April 21 – May 20: Checking your email a hundred times a day, to see if your dream agent has responded, demonstrates why psychologists are so successful experimenting with lab rats.
May 21 – June 20: Hooray, someone showed up at your book signing! In other news, please say hello to your mom for us.
July 21 – August 20: It’s wedding season again! When Aunt Marge asks how your “little hobby” is going, make sure and explain that your short story was nominated for a Hemingerald. What’s that? We don’t know, but we’ll totally back you up.
August 21 – September 20: Not only is Mercury retrograde a few times this year, Saturn too! For you, Virgo, this is a boon to your communication skills, and the perfect opportunity to explain to your agent why she should take another look at your space opera based on the ballet Giselle.
September 21 – October 20: For a bridal shower, you attend one of those shops that lets you paint and drink at the same time. Though you’ll swear to your friends you’re switching careers, you’ll be more successful writing a story that explains just exactly how you got paint there.
October 21 – November 20: Scorpio, dabbling in magical realism may cause your writing group some apoplexy, but instead of getting mad, patiently remind them of the time they made you read the experimental fiction piece involving egg rolls and a rubber bathtub frog.
November 21 – December 20: While trying to deliver a baby in a taxi cab, you will find that it really annoys the mother when you periodically stop to take notes on the experience.
December 21 – January 20: Your mountain goat fierceness will reveal itself by the trail of hoofprints left behind on all the writers-group members you trampled during half-price Jello shooter night.
January 21 – February 20: You shortsighted Aquarians rarely think things through. Stay off social media and re-focus your attention on what is important, like not getting fired from your job for excessive fucking around reading horoscopes on the Internet.
February 21 – March 20: Don’t let rejections put a dent in your self-confidence. Anyone who rejects you is an asshole. They don’t understand your brilliance, your inner shine, your amazing joie de vivre. I do. I’m the only one who understands you, Pisces.