March 21 – April 20: The Ram, huh? You need a date. How about I fix you up with Taurus the Bull. The two of you can work out who is more hard-headed. And think about that the next time your editor makes a suggestion.
April 21 – May 20: The Bull, right? Look, I fixed you up with Aries. You two have so much in common. Aries is a real charmer. You’ll love him. Don’t talk shop too much, though.
May 21 – June 20: The Twins. Oh, no. I do not know what to do with you. Can you be your own date, or should I hook you to two separate Horoscope Dudes? No matter: I’ll try to get back to you, but in the meantime, stop fighting over that pencil.
June 21 – July 20: The Crab. Well. If the horoscope was based on characters from Winnie-the-Pooh, you would be Eeyore. You’re just depressed because you smell so bad. I don’t think I can find you a date. Please don’t cry. Write some dark poetry.
July 21 – August 20: The Lion. I’m getting Capricorn primed for a date with you. Perfect. The two of you can frolic with your hairy loins and write song lyrics about wildlife.
August 21 – September 20: The Virgin. You are not the first one of the Horoscope Gang who’s difficult to match up. I just don’t want you to have a bad experience based on my suggestions. I’m going to pair you with Libra. You can’t get in much trouble with an inanimate object (other than a keyboard).
September 21 – October 20: The Scales. Look, ahem. The Virgo chick has pretty eyes. She is shy, so don’t try to weigh her, dude. Quick handshake at the door. That’s it. Gives you an evening to read a few pages from one of the fifteen literary journals on the coffee table.
October 21 – November 20: The Scorpion. Wow!! I don’t know what I was thinking! You and the Cancer Mascot are made for each other. I’m not even going to think about how you will achieve intimacy, but no one else wants either of you, so be grateful for the opportunity. Good luck, and write some erotica that explains it all to us (as if we care, but it’s gotta be better than the dinosaur porn, right? Right!).
November 21 – December 20: The Archer. There is no one for you. Sorry. Maybe you should try visiting a different constellation like Orion the Hunter. Much more suited to your talents. Try it. Lots of stories grow out of long-distance relationships (although not all of them are good).
December 21 – January 20: The Goat. You’re a challenge. There is nothing kissable about goat breath. There is nothing cute about the way you chew. Close your mouth, and better luck next time.
January 21 – February 20: The Water Bearer. Pisces, the Fish. I think you two have had something going on for a while anyway. You are just too obvious. Your work is a little gushy.
February 21 – March 20: The Fish. I already had a word with Aquarius. Everyone knows about the two of you. No collaborating on anything. You are too close to be objective.