March 21 – April 20: Your most loyal companions are your cat and your Cabernet Sauvignon. Because neither will criticize your writing.
April 21 – May 20: Plagiarism is tempting. Go ahead: see if you can get away with it. Darwin has a theory about you.
May 21 – June 20: Your editor will move to a different house, leaving your manuscript in the care of interns. Relax, the interns are majoring in medieval literature and will totally get your references to 1960s pop culture. Not.
July 21 – August 20: If you’re taking a writing break to celebrate Independence Day in the US with fireworks, grilling, and beer guzzling, keep in mind it’s only safe for your hands to do two out of these three things at once. (If you live in a different country, the managing editor would like to know if she and her dog could come stay with you for a few days.)
August 21 – September 20: Agoraphobia be damned, you’ve signed up to attend a local meetup group, planning to come away with at least five new best friends. Try not to take it personally when your confirmation gets “lost in the mail.”
September 21 – October 20: Your partner’s brother explains his great idea for a novel/screenplay. Your partner explains it’s important to at least appear to take this idea seriously. You’d consider moving out if you didn’t have so many goddamned books.
October 21 – November 20: If you find yourself shining up some of your own poetry from back in college, ask yourself, would you have wanted to read you back then? That’s right. Make good decisions. Put it back in the drawer. That’s a good writer. Here’s some chocolate.
November 21 – December 20: Shoot straight this month, archer! Honesty is always the best policy unless it’s with your boss and it’s about his breath.
December 21 – January 20: Your patience will finally pay off this month when you receive a rejection notice from that journal that has had your piece for the last 288 days. You can clean up your Duotrope submission tracker now.
January 21 – February 20: Roses are red. Violets are blue. One of your readers has a crush on you!
February 21 – March 20: The year 2015 converts to 8 in numerology which means complete manifestation in the physical world which means you might be tempted to physically manifest yourself au natural in order to really be “out there.” Go ahead and be you, but have a friend on stand-by with your lawyer’s number.