March 21 – April 20: It must feel unpleasant to have a fleet of oversized gas guzzling vehicles claim you as a symbol. Who comes up with all these ideas for logos and advertising snippets, and how much money do they make? Were they English majors who took marketing courses subversively? Why didn’t you think of doing that?
April 21 – May 20: Did you ever get around to writing that Ode to Hemingway? Death in the Afternoon was probably a bit strange for you, but he may be the only non-agrarian, popular-level writer to honor your beauty. Stop slaving over that nasty letter to the editor about subway system accessibility and show some gratitude.
May 21 – June 20: That argument you are hearing in your head does not mean you are schizophrenic or even bi-polar. You are beside yourself with confusion. Your Submittable account only tracks what you have submitted through Submittable. You knew you should have written down the other stuff you submitted somewhere you can’t remember somewhere. This will be the year to write it all down…tomorrow, anyway.
June 21 – July 20: Eons of considering yourself adrift in a sea of writers has limited your perspective. Don’t abandon your personal blog, just send something out so we have a chance of seeing it. Then accept the fact that we might not see it, either.
July 21 – August 20: Either wash and comb that hair, or go with full-out dreadlocks. You look intimidating, man. Turn off the computer. Take a shower. Stop asking the lonely women in the building to bring you bagels when they go out. None of it makes you seem fiery with art; it just makes you seem lazy.
August 21 – September 20: Consider at length all those encounters you’ve passed up over the years. Why not take an online survey to measure your happiness? Are you happy? At least give Meetups a chance; most of it is pretty tame. At worst, you might have more to write about.
September 21 – October 20: If you judged yourself, would you find yourself judgmental? Does this question confuse you? Good. Try reading some Schrodinger and perhaps start writing for a science textbook publisher.
October 21 – November 20: Please relax and stop being so aggressively defensive of your poems. All your friends think you are a great writer, they just don’t understand what you are saying. Which proves you are, in fact, a great writer. Always remember, “Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.” – Don Marquis
November 21 – December 20: We know it’s depressing to think no one believes in your existence any more. But you must stop thinking that way. You exist to us, just not to editors. Go to Walmart and buy some Nerf arrows, then go to your favorite literary journal and shoot some folks in the ass. That’ll teach ‘em.
December 21 – January 20: Hope you are enjoying your recent explosion in popularity due to the artisan cheeses you review for that snobbish foodie magazine. We are all enriched by peculiarly textured and odd smelling taste experiences. By the way, that magazine of yours does not carry any advertisements for oral hygiene products. You might want to think about that.
January 21 – February 20: All that walking back and forth to the refrigerator must be tiring. You are not that thirsty. You are pacing over the use of an adjective. Five minutes ago you were swilling San Pellegrino and frowning over whether to use a semi-colon or start a new sentence. Next thing, you’ll be in the bathroom again, forgetting that fabulous phrase you didn’t write down.
February 21 – March 20: There’s this guy called Aquarius who drinks a tremendous amount of bottled water to break his writer’s block. Staring at your aquarium is working for you about as well as the water is working for him, and you seem to be overfeeding. That leads to cleaning the tank, which is just another avoidance tactic. Pick up the pen, friend. Good luck.