March 21 – April 20: Always keep your friends Jim and Jack nearby when writing, especially during the lonely holiday season and the even bleaker emptiness of January. They don’t mind if you address them by their last names, Beam and Daniels.
April 21 – May 20: Your subconscious will tell you your manuscript sucks. Don’t let this get to you. Don’t let it deter you. Don’t let it rattle your metaphysical premises. Your manuscript may indeed suck, but, remember, there are others whose manuscripts suck even more.
May 21 – June 20: You’ll attend a writing conference this year. You’ll hope to meet agents and commune with fellow writers. You’ll hope to come away charged with a renewed mission to speak to the human condition, to revolutionize literature. Fuck it, it’s tax-deductible.
June 21 – July 20: Your ruling planet is the Moon. Which isn’t even a planet, it’s just an excuse to check into Bellevue once a month. The mental hospital, not the writing lab. They’re waiting for you, by the way, with their vats of Xanax.
July 21 – August 20: At lunch, your fortune cookie says, “You will be made stronger by adversity.” Is that a metaphor for rejections? You know what will make that little paper fortune better? A lighter.
August 21 – September 20: The first month of the new year brings the potential of a wealth of writing firsts. Unless you’ve been at this for years. Then you already know how this ends.
September 21 – October 20: With Jupiter in your house of friends, start the year off by attending every writing-related event you can manage. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t writing anything, hell, you have all year!
October 21 – November 20: One of your New Year’s Resolutions was to finally make that Author Page on Facebook. Don’t worry when they start to send emails about how your page is continually under-performing. This will help you develop that thicker skin your agent’s always yammering about.
November 21 – December 20: This month you’ll want to curb your exuberance during those moments you feel compelled to stand up naked on public transportation and read excerpts from your work-in-progress. That or save up for bail money.
December 21 – January 20: Your Earth element will keep you grounded this month, especially as you look for places to bury the bodies of the agents and editors who have wronged you. (Remember to avoid clichés!)
January 21 – February 20: Combining interpretive dance moves with your library book signing might not be the best idea you have this month. Especially when the music is only in your head.
February 21 – March 20: In the next 15 days you will be tempted to write a poem about your barista (scribed in calligraphy and rife with coffee metaphors) and deliver it the next time you place your order. Just… don’t.