In celebration of Halloween, we bring you some nice, spooky Ouija-scopes. — the Editors


March 21 – April 20: Ouija Board says “No.” What does it mean? No, you won’t get published? No, don’t tell anyone what you really think? You figure it out.


April 21 – May 20: Ouija Board says “Stop.” Stop overwatering the plants. That is why they look so yellow. We are certain of this interpretation. We peek in your windows.


May 21 – June 20: Ouija Board says “Go.” Go to the doctor. Someone needs to look at that. Maybe you need to “go” do something else, too, but we don’t care about that..


June 21 – July 20: Ouija Board says “Leave.” No, you should not assume this had anything to do with your partner. But, it could be interpreted as “leave” a little nanny cam in the living room, though.


July 21 – August 20: Ouija Board says “Maybe.” What kind of help is that? Maybe you should fold the laundry? Maybe you should vacation in Tuscany? Good luck there.


August 21 – September 20: Ouija Board says “Send.” Yes! Yes! We are certain that the message means you should “send” that submission. We are not certain of anything else in your future.


September 21 – October 20: Ouija Board says “Try.” We are not going to make a prediction based on Ouija’s message here. We will just console you. Try not to cry over another rejection.


October 21 – November 20: Ouija Board says “Yes.” Yes, you should buy a car? Yes, you have made a good decision to not buy a car? How should we know?


November 21 – December 20: Ouija Board says “Wash.” What? We are trying to decipher this. We also realize we have communicated by email only. Think about it.


December 21 – January 20: Ouija Board says “Creep.” Hah! The only true Halloween message this month. Pretend to be “Creepy.” That’s what we prefer to think it means, anyway.


January 21 – February 20: Ouija Board says “Jump.” We have never encountered this type of message from our dear Ouija. Is Ouija saying something about fitness? The space/time continuum? Superman and tall buildings? We leave it for you to ponder.


February 21 – March 20: Ouija Board says “Love.” Aw. Aren’t you the lucky one. Ouija may be in love with you. Ouija may decide to message you about every tiny thing, like your mom.