This month we take a look at the guidance of the ancient gods and goddesses guiding the Zodiac. But what does it mean for your writing?
March 21 – April 20: Your relatives are upset, oh impulsive Ram, because you’ve used their names in your novel without their permission. Oops, it seems you’ve let all the skeletons out of the dark, hereditary closet. Be careful when you ask what else is behind the coats … your characters may become a not-so-thinly veiled metaphor for the Addams family.
April 21 – May 20: New Year! New You! Oh, Bull!s**t. Don’t even bother pretending you are going to do yoga daily, have kelp smoothies for lunch, and write those 5,000 words a day. Your stack of discarded New Year’s resolutions rivals your overflowing pile of rejection letters. Skip right on to the mid afternoon cocktails you usually save for February. Trust us.
May 21 – June 20: Take coffee intravenously to double the caffeine bang for your marathon writing extravaganza. Remember, you do have a deadline. The odds of completing your manuscript with your sanity intact are low. So, you’d better enjoy the process with an insane caffeine high. (Hey, it’s not like you can afford real drugs on the money you made selling short stories this year.)
June 21 – July 20: If you decide to plagiarize this month, Crabby, remember to foist comic material so you can tell the judge to “get a sense of humor.” If* this fails, you can always use your $67.84 royalty check to bribe the judge afterwards. Do not pass go. Do not collect your next royalty check.
July 21 – August 20: With a great roar, you dedicate your next book to your significant other to show your true love. Hopefully, the novel (and the relationship) will not end up like the last three. (Someone once said “the common denominator in your failed relationships is you.” But they couldn’t have meant you, could they? Nah.)
August 21 – September 20: You skip out of paying your lawyer’s retainer, so he doesn’t review your upcoming contract. Your one semester of pre-law classes won’t cut it when reviewing your new writing agreement. Ergo: Don’t be alarmed when you’re paid in promotional postcards. You can hand them out at AWP and everyone will congratulate you on such a novel concept.
September 21 – October 20: Your neighbors are not buying the disclaimer at the beginning of your latest novel that all characters are fictional. They’re suing for libel. To balance the scales, you promise them the proceeds from your next anthology project: Gila Monster Space Operas. They don’t need to know you have more contributors than readers.
October 21 – November 20: Before asking your mother for an opinion on your newest novel, which is a questionable decision to begin with, start by reminding her that you will be the one choosing her senior care facility. Will it be the one with the chocolate pudding? Or the one everybody calls “The Home.” Assure her it’s all up to her.
November 21 – December 20: You’ve hit the target, Archer! Romance novels are making a comeback. Now, if you can write two a month for the next few years, you can possibly earn enough to stock your top shelves with Ramen and bottom-shelf booze.
December 21 – January 20: Take the high road this month, dear Cappy, and don’t let them get your goat. No one means any harm by giving you those recycled Christmas gifts for your birthday. It’s just a hectic time for everyone. Just ask them. If you really want to make your point, re-wrap those tube socks and give them right back to your Cousin Doofus next holiday season.
January 21 – February 20: Your numerous Facebook posts will reveal the real reason you missed your deadlines. No, your great-aunt twice removed did not pass away (again), but you do have an awful lot of holiday Pokemon to show for yourself. When your Editor reports all your social media accounts as spam, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
February 21 – March 20: Even though your lawyer doesn’t agree, you’re absolutely sure Stephen King plagiarized your work. After sending 1,397 letters (all of which said lawyer discouraged), you’re sure Stephen King will reply soon and apologize, at the very least, if not thank you for your inspirational brilliance. After all, he must have gotten his ideas for Misery from your Twitter mentions.