March 21 – April 20: Trump’s Inauguration Day came and went and the world didn’t end, so there’s that. (Hell, these things are pre-written so we could be wrong.) Provided no one has nuked us yet, February is a good time to meditate on the transition from winter to spring and the awakening within … oh, who are we kidding. Stop meditating. Start making art.
April 21 – May 20: Knit yourself a nice pair of pink, fingerless gloves to go with your pussyhat from the Women’s March last month. Then get to writing some incendiary creative nonfiction or some subversive scifi. Then send it to us. Or someone else. Anyone. We’re not kidding. Stop reading and go write.
May 21 – June 20: If you’re a true Gemini, you’ve probably read all the other horoscopes because your dual nature makes you tend to want to contain multitudes. Since you’re a smart Gemini (like this month’s humble horoscope writer), you’ve already noticed a theme. That’s right, fuck the patriarchy and make art. Scoot, scoot.
June 21 – July 20: The world is a strange place right now, crabby-poos, but you’ve got the sort of words that grab people by the ankles and give ’em a good shake. We’re proud to know you and we’ll say we knew you when. Yes, the work is hard and the day is long and the pile of rejection slips is high. We’re right along side you in the trenches. Yes we will; yes we can.
July 21 – August 20: With your leonine spirit, you have the charisma and the drive to hop on Twitter and inspire other artists, share pertinent news stories, spread a little sunshine on your fellow creatives. Your words will inspire, we’re sure of it. If you’ve hit a wall with your novel, consider writing some messages of support to your representatives, state or federal. Your words matter, regardless of where in the world you put them. Trust us.
August 21 – September 20: We know you’ve been neglecting your blog, Virgo. How do we know? It’s probably because ours hasn’t been updated since October. Life has been busting by pretty fast, we realize, but take ten minutes for yourself. Promote your work, your words, your events, hell, even your breakfast. (We think those Eggs Benedict look pretty damn delicious.) Don’t forget about you in all the hullabaloo. (Look! We rhymed!)
September 21 – October 20: Libras, think of someone you want to write a letter to. Now do it. You could write a long letter or a postcard. Send it or throw it in a drawer. How did that feel? Rinse, repeat. You’re welcome.
October 21 – November 20: Your birthday is a long ways away, Scorpio. And all that’s staring you in the face is Valentine’s Day. How about instead of burning your ex-lovers’ belongings on the porch you channel that energy into the written word. Send Valentines to your sister or the friend who held your hair back the last time you had too much Veuve. Who are we kidding? Writers can’t afford Veuve.
November 21 – December 20: Saggy, we know your volume of tone poems didn’t sell well, but it’s a timing thing. The world needs art now more than ever. So educate your friends and neighbors about why poetry matters and what a tone poem is and why Trump didn’t have an inaugural poet and how poets used to run the world like when Frost got sent to Khrushchev as a diplomat and … oh sorry, did someone put this soapbox here? Anyway, go write already.
December 21 – January 20: Corny, you just got another year older and another Valentine’s Day is staring pinkly at your face. Go ahead, eat all that Dove candy and use their stupid little verses insides as writing prompts. You’ll have a Harlequin in no time and can donate half of your profits to arts programs or the ACLU. We’ll help you promote it.
January 21 – February 20: Love is in the air. Or is that fascism. Hmm, we’ll have to get back to you on that. But don’t be cynical and bitter like us. Go tell your Facebook friends a joke. Tell your Tweeps you love them. The more joy you can spread, the more that is returned to you. Or maybe that’s manure we’re thinking of. Either way you can’t go wrong. Your garden will thank you and so will your friends.
February 21 – March 20: One of February’s stranger holidays is Tell A Fairy Tale Day. Fishies, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to turn fairy tales on their heads this month. Happily Ever Afters are just fine, but we need to write some new material. One where an orange yam is vanquished perhaps, by a dapper Zombunny assisted by a POC wunderkind. We’d read the hell out of that. We’re sure your idea is even better.