March 21 – April 20: This month you can stop feeling bad about the fact that your predatory mortgage is making you live on Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup. Take courage, friend, for it is National Canned Food Month. You are not alone. Many English majors suffer along with you, and your adjunct contract will be renewed as long as your student evaluations stay positive.
April 21 – May 20: It is Creative Romance Month, but that does not mean you should try your hand at something like “An Ode to Rhyming.” Yes, you did very well in your university days, but perhaps not as well as you think. Your professor (an Aries, of all things) was an adjunct whose contract was tied to positive student evaluations. Why didn’t you win that poetry fellowship? Thanks a lot, Aries.
May 21 – June 20: So, you’ve gone sour on that social writing website because you comment on everyone else’s posts and they don’t comment on yours. It’s probably because they are a bunch of hacks who cannot appreciate the literary quality of your work. It’s National Grapefruit Month. Suits your mood. Eat up.
June 21 – July 20: An Affair to Remember Month is not something to celebrate if you plan to avoid the depressive weather and continue to write Save your energy for the 20th, which is National Hoodie Hoo Day. Cancers are prone to obsessive fact checking, so this one’s for you.
July 21 – August 20: There are two days for you to avoid this month: the 14th, which is National Organ Donor Day, and the 25th, which is Pistol Patent Day. Remember, Paul Harding’s Tinkers was rejected a huge number of times. Your book hasn’t been rejected that many times. It’s not worth a game of Russian Roulette.
August 21 – September 20: Celebrate Clean Out Your Computer Day on the 8th, if possible. Too bad it’s not Clean Out Your Computer Month. You’ve got so many drafts you can’t let go, you don’t even remember what they are when you read the file name. They’re in folders whose purpose you don’t even remember. They are backed up on numerous thumb drives you find when looking for paper clips. Get a grip.
September 21 – October 20: Finally, a celebration made for you: The 28th is National Public Sleeping Day. Those wee hours thesis jags caught up with you weeks ago, so give in and doze on the train. Just make sure your messenger bag is turned toward your back when you sit down. You don’t want to fool yourself into thinking it is secure resting in your lap, like the last time.
October 21 – November 20: You are going to be busy this month. The 22nd is International World Thinking Day. Try not to be put off by the redundancy of the title. At best, you only have twenty-one days to prepare. I’m not saying you don’t use your brain, it’s just that you only think about two things: yourself, and your rejection slips.
November 21 – December 20: This is a perfect month for stress and avoidance eaters, such as yourself. Maybe you should take up smoking again. You’re getting a bit soft, but writers are not known for their athleticism. Here’s your list of useful celebrations: Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (6th), Great American Pie Day (17th), National Chocolate Mint Day (19th), and National Tortilla Chip Day (24th). So reassuring. Nothing for you to feel bad about, at least for a month.
December 21 – January 20: Well, you’ve been nosy enough to read everyone else’s horoscope, and you are hoping for something positive, I am sure. The 15th is National Singles Awareness Day, which is quite suitable as a follow-up to Valentine’s Day. Your partner will be crushed if you forget the day set aside for romance because you were trying to finish up that article (which was already a week overdue). So be aware. Your status of being a not-single can change.
January 21 – February 20: On the 13th you will get the urge to take part in Get a Different Name Day. Do not waste your time trying to develop a saucy nom de plume. Sooner or later your real name will emerge since everyone’s profile is linked to everyone and everything everywhere. Putting a different name on that manuscript won’t make it read any faster or better.
February 21 – March 20: Is this day ever suited to your situation: The 7th is Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day. Notice the word “All”; it is very important. Never mind they gave you the stink eye when you said you were a writer. Yes, it was rude for them to ask, “What exactly, do you write?” in a suspicious tone. They’re just jealous because you don’t check your mail until five pm while still wearing a bathrobe. They are convinced you are living in a witness protection program.