March 21 – April 20: Isn’t it time to edit that novel you wrote during NaNoWriMo last November? Recall what Sylvia Plath said about unpublished manuscripts.
April 21 – May 20: Valentine’s Day is this month. If you’re a Taurus, love is in the air! In the air—not down among the Great Unwashed, where you are. If you want air, go see a Gemini.
May 21 – June 20: Your astrological element is Air. Bask in your lightness all you want, but don’t forget the downside: Air is poetically apt, given your invisibility on the bookstore shelves. (Also: Beware of Tauri looking for love (in all the wrong places (and in nested parentheses)).)
June 21 – July 20: You know how they say it won’t write itself? Given the success of your last effort, perhaps you should challenge that theory and adopt a more passive strategy.
July 21 – August 20: Try to refrain from throttling the 19-year-old who just told you that you should attend the same residency you’ve been applying to for the past five years. You were likely clueless at that age, too. (Yeah, sure your college lit mag was undoubtedly superior.)
August 21 – September 20: Even though your lover is as uninterested in the poems of Rilke as you are with his or her obsession with Benesnootch Crumblybitch, remember February is not a nice time to dump people. Particularly the Tuesday after Valentine’s Day. Which may or may not have happened to us more than once.
September 21 – October 20: Jupiter is in your house of achievement for the first half of the year, too. (Seriously who invited that guy, anyway? And did he eat all the chip dip?) So get those submissions out. Wait, you didn’t write anything in January? Well, that was short sighted.
October 21 – November 20: Mercury still in retrograde until the 11th. (You’ll be fine again on the 12th.) Regardless, if you are offered a position on the board of a local writing nonprofit, politely decline. For the love of all that is holy: Don’t. Do. It.
November 21 – December 20: Venus and March aligning this month will make February your sexiest month. Unfortunately, you will miss it because your editor will relentlessly ride your ass to meet some arbitrary deadline. You will not have time to breathe let alone shower.
December 21 – January 20: While you should be fiercely proud of your achievements, think twice before calling all your former lovers to tell them about the break-up memoir that you sold to Bad Exes Magazine.
January 21 – February 20: You might enjoy marching to the beat of a different drummer, but all that drumming is really annoying your neighbor. Just ask Matthew McConaughey.
February 21 – March 20: Your tendency toward compassion might get you into trouble. Resist scheduling book club meetings at the corner of 9th and Broadway around midnight no matter how nice those girls ask you.