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h-aries

March 21 – April 20: Your New Year’s resolution to write 1,000 words a day has fallen behind at the rate of oh, say, 1,000 words a day. On the 31st you’ll have to write 1,291.67 words an hour for 24 hours to catch up. Then you can have champagne!

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h-taurus

April 21 – May 20: You want only two things for Christmas: world peace and a book contract. Hooray! ISIS has indicated a willingness to negotiate.

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h-gemini

May 21 – June 20: Most poets don’t become famous until they’re dead. So you’ve got something to look forward to.

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h-cancer

June 21 – July 20: Your mother will love your next novel. No, srsly! And it doesn’t matter what your father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins say about the novel behind your back. Their last exposure to literature was literally 9th grade.

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h-leo

July 21 – August 20: Hey Leo, did you win Nanowrimo last month? Well, you’re still a winner in in our book. That is, of course, if we had a book.

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h-virgo

August 21 – September 20: As the great sage Madonner sings in “Like a Virgo,” (Is this right? Seems not quite right?): You made it through the wilderness. Somehow, you made it through. Another year. A few pubs. A few hundred rejections. Ready to do it again? If not, we have a couple spare applications for 7-11…

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h-libra

September 21 – October 20: No one can attend your Chriskkuhwanza party because they’re too busy meeting their year-end writing goals. But no worries, you wrote a whole novel last month. This will seem like good news until you start to edit said manuscript.

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h-scorpio

October 21 – November 20: Though you told Libra you can’t come to the Chriskkuhwanza because you’re short on your wordcount, we know you’re out shopping for a Seasonal Affective Disorder light. A clerk helpfully points out that there are more SAD lights in stock in the summer. You have our permission to throw that copy of War and Peace, again.

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h-sagittarius

November 21 – December 20: Planetary alignment may trip you up this holiday season. Be sure when you wrap gifts you keep the tags straight. While your significant other might appreciate the Fisher Anti-Gravity Space Pen, your copyeditor probably won’t enjoy the Arabian Nights Naughty Teddy nearly as much.

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h-capricorn

December 21 – January 20: Remember to find balance between working and playing. You can accomplish this most easily by combining the two. For example, every time you write a conjunction, take a shot of tequila.

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h-aquarius

January 21 – February 20: This is a great month to combat the notion that Aquarians are aloof. Spend time perfecting your air kissing technique!

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h-pisces

February 21 – March 20: The theme for this month is sexy, sexy, sexy! In fact, maybe you should set aside writing that biography of Ho Chi Minh in favor of a hot and juicy anthology called Between the Covers: A Behind the Scenes Look at AWP.