March 21 – April 20: We have compiled a group of expert psychologists to aid us in our forecasts this month. The rat cheese maze inventor discovered that removing portions of little rat brains had no effect on their ability to perform. Shocking. He draws obvious parallels to you and your very fine craft. Maybe you should participate in a similar experiment. Nothing to lose, cheese morsels to gain.
April 21 – May 20: Our special group of eminent psychologists are here this month and want to test and observe you! They see proof your intelligence when you remember a ball which has been rolled behind the sofa and then go get it. You are smarter than a month-old puppy.
May 21 – June 20: Wow. There is a diagram called a psychological hierarchy of need. Who knew? Our gang of specialists who are helping us out this month want to explain it to you. It’s so simple, really. You are among millions of people who are confused and unable to live “the good life.”
June 21 – July 20: Our well-recognized and helpful visiting psychological group does not always get along with one another. We called them in to see you. All of them have made up names for their “Theories,” and can’t agree on which one fits you. Stay in bed.
July 21 – August 20: This month a clan of visiting psychologists and horoscope-casters are here to help everyone. They have closed ranks and will not reveal the one of them who is responsible for the Stanford-Bene Test, and the PSAT, SAT, ACT, GRE, MCAT, LSAT, DAS, and ITBS. Think positive! No predatory student loan payments for you.
August 21 – September 20: Friend, the batch of psychologists who have stopped in to aid us this month in our star-based analysis have a man with them who is the Pope of psychology. Or the man behind the curtain, depending on how you feel about talk therapy. Say nothing, just like you did before the divorce.
September 21 – October 20: Alcoholic-adulterous-family-abandoning-former-juvenile-delinquents-who-considered-at-one-time-entering-the-minstery are people too, which means they can be psychologists. So, when one of these folks takes you to the side and shows interest in your life, she may just want to play strip poker.
October 21 – November 20: Don’t get so excited. All these so-called doctors ask invasive questions as they help forecast our horoscopes this session. They think people will feel better if all your problems can be solved by complaining about parents. Just stand in the middle of the white-coat group and take a selfie.
November 21 – December 20: Many of the psychologists in our current star-chart consulting group are not all that famous, except amongst their peers. Or even alive. You’ve never heard of most of them and neither have we. Yet, their work is still studied even though it some of it was written over one hundred years ago. Lucky you. We bet you’ll feel better soon.
December 21 – January 20: Many psychologists have brought their skills together this month to aid our consideration of planetary influences on your behavior. Not to worry. Well not to worry too much. One of them is best known for her work in “strange situation” assessment. That kicks the door open for a large number scenarios, all perfect for you.
January 21 – February 20: In the hands of a unique psychologist-cum-astrology-advisor for this month’s horoscope is the famous “Baby Doll” doctor. Sounds like a serial killer, but he says he’s only going to study your degree of social learning. Yes, using a baby doll. We assume he will throw and you will catch or drop. Wonder what your response means if he asks you to cuddle (the doll, silly).
February 21 – March 20: One of our esteemed panel of visiting astrologer/head-shrinks wanted to be a novelist, too. He is, therefore, the perfect psychologist for empathizing with you. He thinks your “consciousness,” is essential to your work, but we remain unsure of how or when it will eventual have positive effect. (Note from the editors: You might want to pass on his invitation to be a beta reader.)