March 21 – April 20: Male writers take heed: size matters. Why settle for a chapbook when you can have AN EPIC SAGA.
April 21 – May 20: Plagiarism is tempting. Darwin has a theory about you. (No, that’s not the same fortune as last July. Don’t be ridiculous.)
May 21 – June 20: Money will begin to flow this month. And flow and flow. My God, will it flow. So hurry out and earn some before your account overdraws.
June 21 – July 20: If your birthday is in August, observe that no holidays or festivities are ever scheduled this month. The publishing industry effectively shuts down. Hell, even astrologers take a break. This should tell you something.
July 21 – August 20: Yes, you can eat birthday cake for breakfast, but don’t send a piece to the agent you’re querying. Frosting has a lifespan of 3-4 days tops and we already know you send everything media mail. Cheapskate.
August 21 – September 20: When attending someone else’s book release party, avoid obsessively counting the attendees, as this may trigger an embarrassing case of Spontaneous Numerical Turettes (Two fucking hundred?) Such an outburst will result in your tale becoming a cautionary one.
September 21 – October 20: Driving home, the radio station plunges you headlong into a stream of mid to late 90s nostalgia. Believe it or not, no one wants to read a flash fiction cycle based on the albums of The Dave Matthews Band, even though you have So Much to Say.
October 21 – November 20: To have more time to read, you decide to take the bus. But you don’t read because everyone asks what it is you’re reading on your Kindle. So you take a paperback so people can see what you’re reading and leave you alone, but instead they ask how the book is. You start driving again.
November 21 – December 20: Unexpected visitors might disturb your writing schedule this month. But to be fair, answering the door wearing no pants is liable to disturb your guests, so cosmic balance will be achieved.
December 21 – January 20: Your writing journey begins with a single step. And that step should probably be putting down the wine glass so you can type with both hands.
January 21 – February 20: Don’t let your fierce independence get in the way of your success. While it might seem like a great idea (and exciting!) to self-publish the first draft of your novel, it’s really not.
February 21 – March 20: Pisces, you love being on or near the water. Consider renting a yacht to christen the start of that new novel. If that’s too pricey, maybe ride the ferry. Times tough? Borrow a friend’s fishing boat. Fine… just take a hot bath.