March 21 – April 20: Is your favorite sport soccer? We thought so. We see you pounding your head on the desktop again, only, this time, the surface you are using is hard. Dead clue.


April 21 – May 20: You play Lacrosse? Really? We have always felt that your tone was a little tony. Bet the smart set have forgotten you since your last publication was four “seasons” ago.


May 21 – June 20: Rumor has it you like to scrum. We understand the parallel. Rugby is a lot like submitting to a thousand publications, right? Pushing and pushing and getting nowhere. Go to a writing workshop and get yourself a team.


June 21 – July 20: No! Synchronized swimming? Huh. Keep it up. And let Virginia Woolf be a warning. A lag in your writing is not that awful. Oh! You look great in that little flowery swim cap, by the way.


July 21 – August 20: We see everything. Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette. Yoga for slackers, that’s what you do. One for every decent sentence. That’s like fifty a day. Pretty good.


August 21 – September 20: At the other end of the pool from the swim team, we observe your little Marco Polo game. Have you noticed that you call and call and no one answers? Can you compare that to another aspect of your life? Dry off and go home. Get serious.


September 21 – October 20: We must inform you that fantasy Amazon shopping is not a sport and neither is Monster Busters. It is worrisome to us that you spend so much time just wasting time. You can use Word without being online, you know. Please write. You are good at it.


October 21 – November 20: Sweetheart, we have been looking at your YouTube history, and we see that you have been watching Pilates videos. How’s that going for you? Our information science team tapped your grocery spending and we see some unhealthy choices, particularly your alcohol consumption. We don’t know what these things have to do with writing, if anything at all. Privacy? That’s a different issue…


November 21 – December 20: Don’t try to fool us. You do not play volleyball. You watch volleyball. Intensely, at small regional competitions at the beach. Please stop. It’s creepy, but we bet you could get fodder for a limerick out of it.


December 21 – January 20: You are such a practical person, walking in the morning. Some of the best exercise ever. We see you priming the writing pump with a prompt, going to your well-organized document files. We admire you, and predict that you will soon finish your third book if you continue to keep your routines.


January 21 – February 20: Ballet is beautiful! You are beautiful! You don’t even think of yourself as a writer! But you are! We suggest that you continue with your journals! One day you may write a fantastic memoir!


February 21 – March 20: We see all and we are all powerful, so we advise you: The Booty Buster is not really a sport (although it is technically equipment). You can get the same effect with a chair and some ankle weights and a pair of soup cans. But do whatever you need to do to keep up the Writing Life.