March 21 – April 20: Your astrological stone is Diamond, although given how well your book is selling, you might want to switch to Cubic Zirconia.
April 21 – May 20: When reviewers compare your writing to Brown they’re not talking about Dan Brown. As your high school counselor was paid to would say, they’re just jealous, dear.
May 21 – June 20: We do not recommend, in honor of Easter, raising one of your failed manuscripts from the dead. It doesn’t matter which one; unlike saviors, a dead manuscript stays dead.
June 21 – July 20: When the agent says, “This isn’t right for our list,” it’s because she searched your Google images and found that one photo of…well, you know.
July 21 – August 20: Whether you’re at AWP or not, you’ll be the center of attention. Make sure it’s because of your work not because you farted during an open mic event. (How many times do we have to tell you not to eat beans at lunch?)
August 21 – September 20: Total Lunar Eclipse! But you’ll miss it because you’ll asleep during the proofreading edit of your novel. It’s the 8th time you’ve read the book in three months and can’t these characters just get some fucking therapy or something?
September 21 – October 20: Watching everyone rave about AWP in Minneapolis on social media is depressing. Instead, you’ll attend a small local conference and learn how Filking and Kareoke are two faces of a 20-sided Dungeons & Dragons die.
October 21 – November 20: Spring is close at hand. As is AWP. But you can forget about spring in Minneapolis until closer to July. It’s okay to wear three scarves; most writers dress like street urchins in a Dickensian play. No one’s laughing at you. Really.
November 21 – December 20: While your free-spirited “don’t fence me in” attitude is sometimes really refreshing, please remember the world only needs one Ulysses.
December 21 – January 20: You love being admired by friends and family. But is it really necessary to name all the characters of your horror novel after them?
January 21 – February 20: Statistics show that there are more Aquarians in mental institutions than any other sign. Probably because it’s the best place to do research, but be careful just in case.
February 21 – March 20: A diehard romantic, a loyal lover, you, Pisces, thrive on deep intimacy. What better way to show it than dedicating your next book to your significant other? Unless the book is about a killer who sews victims’ hides into suits.