March 21 – April 20: You will need patience this month, the third anniversary of the day you submitted your poem Other Men’s Daughter’s Boyfriends to plangent voices, the undergraduate literary rag of UMass-Seekonk. Resist the temptation to drive to the campus and strangle the editor.
April 21 – May 20: Don’t be shy about speaking up in creative writing class. Other students will appreciate your constructive criticism when you gently counsel them that they “Couldn’t write their way out of Books-for-a-Buck bag.”
May 21 – June 20: Deal with emotions honestly, without drama. When an editor says he can’t pay for your freelance article but offers excellent exposure, drop to your knees like Scarlett O’Hara and scream “As God is my witness, I will never write anything for free again!”
June 21 – July 20: Resist the temptation to meddle in the affairs of others. Intercepting your roommate’s mail when she leaves it in the box is a federal offense, even if it would mean one less short story on the slush pile of The New Yorker to compete with yours.
July 21 – August 20: Work hard and persevere. The writer’s life is one of isolation, depression and binge-eating nacho chips—enjoy it while you can.
August 21 – September 20: You’re not really a virgin, are you? At your age?
September 21 – October 20: Change is inevitable, but don’t rush into things. You haven’t written a page on your Bildungsroman in months, why mess with success? Remember to look up Bildungsroman next time you’re in Berlin.
October 21 – November 20: Follow your heart and not your head this month. Unless you have second thoughts about pursuing an MFA degree after you check your bank balance.
November 21 – December 20: Keep a low profile this month. Let Joyce’s motto–“Silence, exile, and cunning”–be your guide. Unless you’re getting paid by the word.
December 21 – January 20: You must choose between a lover and cold, hard cash this month. Amazon.com royalties total $3.29, so go with the lover.
January 21 – February 20: First impressions are important, so put your best foot forward when you meet with editor for first time. Wash your hair this week whether it needs it or not.
February 21 – March 20: Channel your jealousy over roommate’s sale of young adult novel for seven figure advance. Punching a pane of glass will only hurt you, not it. Punch the roommate instead.